Hi there,
Here's a collection of actual dumb quotes and headlines or head scratchers really. Share it with your friends if you want.
"He'll give you the bird's eye view straight from the horse's mouth."
- radio host John McCauley (Clyde 2, UK)
(I don't think pairing two clichéd phrases counts as intelligence)
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Hussey's - Maine's Largest Department Store:
Guns, Bibles, Wedding Gowns, Cold Beer
- sign outside store in Windsor, Maine
(All the essentials in one handy location... Change the name though)
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Warning label on a bottle of aspirin:
DO NOT TAKE IF ALLERGIC TO ASPIRIN
(Read this idiotic line and get a headache from the sheer stupidity)
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You are invite to visit our restaurant where you can eat the Middle East Foods in a European ambulance
- in a hotel brochure from Ankara Turkey
(Even for people who enjoy fast food, this seems excessive)
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Dennett's Wharf on the Watefront, Castine:
We will do your mom for nothing "Again and again" on Mother's Day
- ad for restaurant in Castine Maine
(Do her what? Her taxes? I'm sure she'd be grateful for that)
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"Most of us weren't born in America at some point in our lives."
- Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean, immigration reform discuss
(I have this feeling most of us were born in China, if stats on population are true)
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"We don't know what those other [climate change] cycles were caused by in the past. It could have been dinosaur flatulence. Who knows?"
- Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R-California) talking about global warming
(My sincerest apologies to all the Jurassic Park fans out there)
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Q: How long have you been married to her?
A: Nineteen years.
Q: Is that your only marriage?
A: Yes, it is, that I know of.
- actual courtroom testimony
(Cheating bastard I'll bet)
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The sermon this morning:
"Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."
- from a church bulletin
(Hallelujah! Logic is risen)
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SILENT PLANE WOULD CUT AIRPORT NOISE
- cnn.com headline
(I never thought of this)
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"Come build with me a Temple, not a Tavern, out of the lumber of our lives."
- wedding vow
(I wonder how long till the receiver of these vows just up and shot the giver)
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Host of Family Fortunes (UK): "We surveyed a hundred people and asked them to name a way of toasting someone. Michelle?"
Contestant: "Over a fire."
(Let's start with Michelle)
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Accomplishments: The Marines is and probably will be the biggest accomplishment I've ever had, even though I wasn't able to join.
Accomplishments: None
- items on actual résumés
(Well at least they're comfortable admitting failure)
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Weakest Link host Anne Robinson: "What is the name given to the form of medicine that concerns the health of women?"
Contestant: "Womenology."
(This sounds like it could actually become a real phrase... I'm not poking fun... Oh darn)
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FOUND. DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. It's been out awhile. No collar. Better be a reward. Call ....
- classified ad in a Baltimore newspaper
(And by God, if there's no reward I'm gonna bread the little rat-bastard and eat it!)
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Feast of the Superb Owl
- church bulletin listing which should have read "Feast of the Super Bowl")
(I like that... From now on I'm praying to the Superb Owl)
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Lily of France Bras:
Solid brass handles
Metal suspension with holders
Lock with two keys
- in a department store sales flyer
(I figured out where Lady Gaga gets all her costume ideas)
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"I might fade into Bolivian."
- boxer Mike Tyson
(One two many hits to the noggin Mike?)
"I scare nothing! Even you become napkins!"
- English subtitle in a Hong Kong Kung-Fu movie
(I have respect for certain Chinese things... Their translators are not one of them)
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Circumcision by Appointment
Urogenital Manipulation
Greek Rural Postman and Their Cancellation Numbers
Bombproof Your Horse
- actual book titles nominated for The Bookseller magazine's oddest titles award
(Ah, the joy of reading)
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And finally (for now)
"I think-tide turning-see, as I remember-I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of-it's easy to see a tide turn-did I say those words?"
- President George W. Bush
(He might be sober now, but I'm pretty sure he drove plenty of Americans to drink)
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